What does Hitler, growling women, and oversized toenails have in common? HAWAII

One day in Hawaii. What do you do with your one whole day in Hawaii? Well, 90 percent of the kids went to the beach and got sloshed. Stephanie and I went to Pearl Harbor that morning, and what else? C’mon, you know me too well. We should just call it shopping at sea.

So both wearing sundresses and obnoxiously oversized sunglasses, we headed over to Pearl Harbor looking like we just stepped off the set of the movie. All we needed was bright red lipstick. When we got there it was apparent that there are only two types at Pearl Harbor. SAS and Old People. I swear, we’d be in line and someone on a walker would cut, or mosey by on their air tank.

Let’s play a game. TOP THREE THINGS that should tell you you’ve re-entered America.

3. Entitlement. Oh, I’m sorry I thought this was a line. Well that line just goes to shit once your inside. Everyone’s pushing and shoving to see a damn plague.

2. See, I have a HUGE theory in life on parenting. If you want to be like Branglina and create an army of children, that’s fine. In fact it will probably help our economy considering our dollar is going to shit. HOWEVER, if you’re pulling a Spears and your parenting skills are shit- then by all means hire a nanny or DO NOT HAVE OFFSPRING. No one, and I mean no one, thinks it’s adorable when your spawn has a tantrum during a filmstrip of the attack of Pearl Harbor and you ENCOURAGE it by going, ‘Yes, yes that’s the Japs’. SERIOUSLY people? Seriously? As the guide is saying, please be respectful and quiet as this is the grave of 1,173 people, the father is running after this terror SCREAMING. It disgusts me. In short, if you can’t handle them, don’t have them or hire someone who will.

1. Now, number 2 is a pretty serious issue. However, number makes my eyeballs BLEED. No, more appropriately, it makes me want to go to the nearest bathroom and make myself throw up. So I’m standing there, amongst 5 million old people, looking around. What do I see? I KNOW you know what’s coming next. Do I even need to say it? I’ll give you a hint. I just got back from Japan. Image is everything there. Where they have style, fashion, adorable haircuts, and thighs the size of my wrist. Which made me feel OBESE. Guess what? Hahahahaha, I thought I was obese. Oh no no Vanessa. How silly. Just take a look around America. I think the waistlines just expanded the size of the third world countries. Maybe if you gorge yourselves more, you can officially kill off the millions who live on less than a dollar a day. What is that- your dollar menu SNACK at McDonalds, between your lunch and dinner? Repulsive. Downright repulsive, and honestly, really embarrassing. I have spent months taking pictures of people from different countries. They probably come to ours and take pictures of the cows in wheelchairs because they are 800 pounds. Trust me, it’s not McDonalds. Those are all over the world. They have oodles of fast food around the world. They eat it too. So what makes us so- American? Welcome back to America, I guess.

We took a boat- I think my life is officially surrounded around ships- to the memorial where circa 1,173 men rest. Now, I have a slight obsession of World War 2 history. Somewhere along the way, I couldn’t get enough of it. From everything to fascist Italy, Nazi Germany, the Holocaust, to- what else- Pearl Harbor. In the 1930’s, China and Japan were going at it full force. Japan was being downright horribly nasty. They moved upward to Nanking- which is something you should familiarize yourself with. As I said, Japan is very much about image. One of the reason’s they moved on about Himroshima and Nagasaki, is not that they have forgiven as much as it is they chose to forget. The ‘Rape of Nanking’ is not in their textbooks, and for a while they tried to conceal the fact that thousands died in the most atrocious ways feasible. Look it up, and have at that all you want. Quickly, why is it called the ‘Rape of Nanking’? Well, if you’re a soldier and you have disposable life around you, what would you when the world is your sick little oyster? Girls from 14 to elderly to raped gruesomely then disposed of. We were absolutely opposed to that, thus we wanted to remain an ally with China. Eventually, we created an oil embargo which left them with two serious options, and they chose war. The Japanese wanted to cripple our strongest defense- our US fleet. I had never seen one of them actually shot, but it literally shakes the entire battleship. A battleship. Could you imagine how powerful it has to be in order to completely move a battleship backwards? A+B+C= Pearl Harbor. 243,000 killed, the youngest was a 3 month old citizen. It wasn’t the amount of death as much as the destruction that truly crippled the US. Their targets were lined up one after the other innocently, just asking for trouble. The US thought their biggest threat was from within the system, thus the planes were lined wing to wing in the airfields, completely unarmed, just as exposed as Tara Reid at a red carpet premier. After years of studying it, and sobbing over the movie- I was there! Unbelievable to think such a beautiful place was the stage for one of the worst attacks in US territory.

Food for thought: both Vietnam and Hiroshima had museums that ended in such a light that war is bad and to try and maintain peace. Both of them. Even Vietnam which wasn’t exactly shy at pointing fingers. It was interesting because I doubt many people hop from one side of the war to another back to back, and sees how each is commemorated within the culture. What’s that about America? Are we really that scared of not being the big bad wolf that we’re willing to do anything, even War, to make maintain our power? Something else I nearly forgot to mention, god how could I have forgot? The Rape of Nanking? There were 20 some generals and officials on trial for horrendous acts, including the Rape of Nanking. Seven were to be hung, only 1 for the situation in Nanking. They were later honored and a temple was built. People continue to go to pray to them and HONOR them. Wow, right? Wait, but who was in charge of this BS? Oh, the United States? Now why would they turn sides quicker than George Bush’s Iraq excuses? That would because we were afraid of communism- see Vietnam War. We wanted Japan (see a paragraph above to laugh at the irony) as our ally in the fight for communism (including China, yes you can smile again), thus we left Hirohito in power, despite the fact he was behind World War 2. OH UNITED STATES.

Moving along now- after Pearl Harbor, the 36 old people, the 29457733 fat people, and the 7 annoying beastly offspring which cannot be controlled- we took public transportation to the mall. Now, public transportation is a funny thing. You will meet people that you never imagined existed, and even better, they are all together. The weirdest, funniest, strangest people in a mass movement throughout Hawaii. Of course, we are immediately welcomed by an Adolf Hitler look-alike who is looking at us like baby impalas to a lion- bowl cut and all. Five minutes goes by, nope still looking. Another 15, nope, add a creepy smile. Course all the while, we have a growling women- like, for real, growling. A man whose toenails are long- quite abnormally long. My theory is that he can’t reach them to clip them because he is number 29457734. Oh, shortly after number 29457735 is hauled into the bus via wheelchair. He can’t even wheel his wheelchair down the street to the next stop. A man who clearly works with construction makes small talk with us- oh about what other than food. The smell he exudes is fantastic. Really, why sell flower shitastic Paris Hilton perfume when clearly they have not capitalized on sweat and BO. I could really go on if you like. Flip flops with not one, but two pairs of socks over cankles. A shirt with fat peeling from under it. It wasn’t all fat I swear. Let me think. No, there was one person who appeared normal. Then there was Stephanie and I- clad in our sundresses and knock off designer glasses talking on- first port where CELL PHONES WORK- our phones. No wonder Hitler was looking at us with interest. Consider it our own little tour of Hawaii. We had an amazing tour guide who didn’t talk us to sleep- NEXT STOP: CHINATOWN. We interacted with several locals. All in the name of shopping.

I think somewhere, an angel sighed, as I walked into heaven- I mean, Nordstrom. Not necessarily to shop, but hello familiarity! We met up with Hallie, Lindsey, and Andrea. Steph and I got coffees and walked around the 3rd largest mall- not sure if it’s outdoor mall or in general- in America. That night, we had dinner at CPK. Did some more damage, and eventually came back to the ship circa 8.

And the other 90 percent? A mob of disgustingness outside the ship at 9, when dock time begins. Real classy, real classy. Possibly the number 3 popping its head through the surface? I can tell you one thing, if one day in Hawaii makes me sick of American culture, I now know what they mean by having culture shock once you’re inside the states. They say you can be just as adventurous and make a difference within your community but truth be told, I really don’t want to. I have no desire to.